Letting Go

Hello All, As most of you know, I failed the Ohio Bar Exam. As I begin my journey to the next bar exam, I've decided to blog my way through it. This blog is a meant for: 1) Getting all of the thoughts in my head on paper; 2) A source for inspiration to those who will be doing this again with me/are about to embark on this journey for the first time; 3) A source for close family and friends to follow my journey. Today's post is about letting go. Let it go, Let it go.....excuse me as I belt out Frozen. I will start out by saying, that failing the bar exam absolutely sucks. This was certainly not part of "the plan". It was no secret that on October 30, when my name was not found on that list, that I saw my life flash before my eyes. Every sad and negative emotion rushed my mind. I cried, a lot. I didn't move off the floor for two hours. I laid in my husbands arms and didn't really say anything. Telling my parents was probably the hardest part. I failed. I wasn't going to be a lawyer. Fuck. Once I picked myself off the ground and decided that I needed to shower, my journey to the next bar started. That soon? Why yes. I sent Joe to book a hotel room for Columbus. I had him look up the paper work for my re-application. Life didn't stop. Life didn't end. Life had to keep moving on. My mom showed up soon after I finished my shower, and we checked out the new Liberty Center. Retail therapy is always the best. So is an alcoholic beverage before 5pm. Laughter is always the best medicine too. I was smiling and laughing through the pain. I failed the bar exam, and on the same day, I was laughing. Everything really hit me again as I was getting ready for dinner. I did everything they told me. I didn't live with my husband. I delayed my honeymoon. I only got drunk twice all summer. I studied for 10 hours a day. I completed the schools program. I completed more than 75% of the Themis program. I did 2000 multiple choice questions. I did everything that a successful applicant is suppose to do. And yet, I ended up falling short. Why? why?? WHY???? I was suppose to be getting ready for my bar passage party. This wasn't fair. Life wasn't fair. Life sucks. A huge hug from Joe and my mom put things back into prospective again. I'm stronger than this. I'm better than this. I've dealt with worse. My life wasn't stopped. I wasn't fired from my job. My phone had been blowing up all day with people who supported me. The world was ready to support me, I just had to find the way to let the world support me. 403.5. Hot damn. I failed by 1.5 points. #1.5 Stages of grief changed from denial, to anger. I believe when I opened my score report, I uttered, "Are you fucking serious??". I started studying again one week after I learned of my failure. Why so early? Well, I am still working and I'm not one of those people who can stop. I have to keep pushing through. I've developed a plan for the next few weeks that will carry me through until my tutoring starts and the schools re-taker course starts up. I was recently described as a positive go-getter. That is partially true. I've been very public in the fact that I am ready and willing to take this test again. That I am finding the positives in something extremely negative. However, many people don't see the headaches. The release of my negative energy. I am not a perfect person. I have emotions, feelings, etc. I think everyday that I've studied I've had a huge headache. I've yelled and lashed out at Joe and one of my best friends. (You know who you are). I've found negatives where negatives don't exist. I'm not going to lie that I've felt lost and extremely insecure. I've been extremely anxious and on edge. I've been stuck in that stage of anger. How was I going to get past this?? I needed a healthy way of letting go. I'm happy to report today, that I've moved on from my anger stage, into the healing/moving on stage. I joined a new Yoga studio today. When I showed up to class, I was asked to blindly draw a card, and focus on that during my practice today. The card I happened to draw was entitled "Letting Go". How appropriate. The card read: Today I will focus on "Letting Go". Without grasping or fear, I will let go of that which no longer serves me or anyone else. We were asked to say why we decided to come to class today. Since I was new to the studio, I was asked what brought me to the practice of Yoga in general. Admitting in front of a group of strangers that I was supposed to be sworn-in as a new lawyer today was no doubt, difficult. But, I felt a sense of healing once I spoke those words. Today was the day I was suppose to be sworn-in in front of the Supreme Court of Ohio. Today was suppose to be a happy day. I am beyond excited for my friends who were sworn-in today and I cannot wait to join them in April. And, today has been a happy day. I've finally found a happy place. I've found peace. I've finally let go of the anger. I've finally let go of those 1.5 points. Holding on to all of that isn't helping me or anyone else. Today I move forward. Today, I become that positive go-getter on the inside, as I have tried to display on the outside. The next few months will not be easy. I ask for patience, support, understanding, etc. But, I am finally ready to embrace it. #bringiton #icanandiwill